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RED DWARF MAGAZINE

>ou're trail) going In WOW a badge with a slogan like thai ■? Well, when \our friends ask >ou hI"1' l! ""■

THE GEAP"

Prepare to meet one of the most dangerous creatures in the universe. The polymorph was never as cuddly as this sucker!

THE ART OF LYING

An in-depth look at new findings in marine biology.

THE RED DWARF INTERVIEW - GRAM NAYLOR

The man with two heads talks about his career in radio and TV, and explains how chasing rabbits off the edges of cliffs can really bugger up your writing schedule.

HOLLY-GRAMS

Yes, the nutters are still writing in. Are you one of the

THE NAME GAME

Holly probes the psychology of the Red Dwarf crew. Recommended reading only if you have a stable homelife and suitable professional qualifications.

EPISODE Gl IDE - SERIES V

This is the last one, so read it s-l-o-w-l-y and make it last

longer.

"FUTURE ECHOES" - PART 3

We could tell you a funny story about this instalment of "Future Echoes" but it would embarrass the artist, so we won't. Just read it and enjoy!

CAPTION COMPETITION S

Results from our last competition in this highly popular series and another picture to ponder over.

MAGAZINE

Editor: Mike Bulcher Feature writers: Steve Lyons, Chris Howarth and Steve Noble Feature artist: Carl Flint Photographs: MikeVaughan and Paul Grant Design: Elitta Fell Typesetting: Centrepoint

"Future Echoes" comic strip based on original scripts by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor, with artwork by Jon Rushby.

"THE GEAP" comic strip by Ann Wright, with artwork by Vince Danks.

Cover artwork: Colin Howard Cover design: Steve Curley

Tnanks to: Rob Grant, Doug Naylor, Grant Naylor. Craig Charles. Chris Barrie, Robert Llewellyn. Danny John-Jules, Hattie Hayridge. Norman Lovett, Kate Cotton. Damian Crux. Phil King and Jodder the super-last typesetter !

Your comments RED DWARF MAI Fleetway Editions t» 3rd Floor Greater London

- Rob Grant and Doug Naylor 1992. All rights reserved. ISSN 0965-5603. Published and distributed by Fleetway Editions Limited. An Egmont Company. 3rd Floor, Greater London House, Hampstead Road, London NW1 70Q. Printed in England.

All right, hands up all of you who read the "PLUS..." bi' first to find out what incredibly witty comment we've come up with this month.

neeruiffj miners

Kryten shares his

knowledge of the

wonderful world

of deception.

Although I say so myself. I con- sider myself something of an ex- pert liar, nowadays - but I must admit, it wasn't always so. No, it's only because Mister Lister took me under his wing and spent long, thankless hours working with me that I am able to lie at at all. And it's because of that I feel it my duty to pass on my knowledge to any of you who might be suffering similar pro- blems. Now, I'm not saying it's easy, but if you read through the simple set of guidelines below, it should only be a matter of time before you're expounding little white ones and even a few moderately sized whoppers with the best of them!

1 . Why Lie?

Well you know, lying can sometimes be a noble thing to do. Take my rela- tionship with Camille for instance, when use of my lying skills was able to bring things to a happy ending for her. And of course, I wouldn't have even met Camille had I not been able to trick Hudzerc, my replace- ment, into believing the ludicrous notion that Silicon Heaven doesn't exist - my switching to lie mode literally saved my life! So remember, no matter how long you have to persevere before you master this essential skill, you won't ever regret it!

2. Basic Lies

AH you have to do to get started is put five items of fruit on a table in front of you; say, an apple, an orange, a pear, a grapefruit and a pineapple. Next, identify each one of them in turn, first verbally and then by writing down what you've said. Finally, check what you've written against the following, and give yourself ten points for every answer you have which isn't the same as mine!

1. An apple.

2. An orange.

3. A pear.

4. A grapefruit.

5. A pineapple.

Not as easy as it looks, is it? But don't worry - / got zero the first time. too. But keep at it - and as soon as you can get at least thirty points in two out of every three at- tempts, you'll be able to go onto the next section.

3. Situational Porkies. One of the first things Mister David taught me is that it's no use just pointing to an apple and identifying it as "the Bolivian Navy on manoeuvres in the South Pacific". No, in order to really get the hang of this crazy habit, you have to be total- ly convincing in a variety of tricky situations.

Try your hand at some of these conversational whoppers, and see how you do:

1. "Mmmmm, that 'Pot Noodle' was delicious."

2. "'Neighbours' is an excellent television programme."

3. "I really hope we haven't missed the American wrestling."

4. "I do wish the Bay City Rollers would stage a comeback."

5. "Mister Rimmer sir, you truly are a wonderful human being."

Again, don't worry if you found that a little difficult. All it takes is a bit of praclice; just go over the lines again and again, until you can say them without any trace of sarcasm entering your voice. It took me ages!

And once you've done that, you'll be ready for this:

4. Lying in Front of an Audience.

Yes, that's right - tying in front of an audience! Unfortunately, there really isn't much help I can give you with this incredibly difficult step. Again, all I can suggest is that you keep at it, perhaps starting by trying some of the lines above in the presence of close friends and fami- ly. Your mortality chip may. of course, cut in and seize your mouth up the first few times you try it, but eventually, probably before you know it, you'll find yourself becom- ing a fluent liar!

So, all that remains is for me to say good luck, and keep at it - and of course, write in should you require any more advice! Anyway, I'm off now - I've got to water the hedgehogs on Betelgeuse (whooooo, see how much tun it can be? I'm actually going to do the iron- ing! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-haaa!). *

PP™ INTERVIEW

GRANT NAYLOR

Rob Grant and Doug Naylor are, of course, the men behind Red Dwarf. They started out purely as the series ' writers, became its producers and even turned their hands to directing episodes in series V. Under the cleverly deceptive pen name of Grant Naylor they wrote the two Red Dwarf novels. Despite claims to the contrary they do exist as separate entities, as we recently discovered when we interviewed them at their London office - Doug Naylor was late!

BOB GRANT: Right, what do you want to know?

RED DWARF MAGAZINE: Starting at the beginning - when did you first conceive the idea of Red Dwarf?

RG: It was when we did our first year on "Spitting Image", the first six shows of the series. We'd been casting around for ideas to do a telly sit-com of our own and we'd just done a series called ' 'Son of Cliche" on radio It had some regular spots; it was a sketch show basically but it had bits that used to recur. The original model for Red Dwarf was a thing called Dave Hollin - Space Cadet, it was kind of an "Aliens" parody the first one; it was about this guy alone on a space ship with a computer. I think it was called Hal, the Computer, but that doesn't make sense, it would have been Hab or something - it was a play on Hal anyway. We actually preferred all the other ideas to it but they wouldn't translate into television terms really. Our favourite. I think, was Captain Invisible and the See Through Kid which was about two superheroes who couldn't get it together because Ihey could never see each other; then they had the in- visible car and they couldn't find it.

You know, some real dumb stuff but it wouldn't translate well into televi- sion. Another one was a student thing called Freshers and there was

GRANT NAYLOR "UNIMIND"

Although born as two separate entities, Rob Grant and Doug Naylor were surgically joined together at the age of 9 by a deranged science teacher at their school In Manchester. After a while they got used to their joint existence and by the time they attended Liverpool University together their brain cells had already begun to mingle. This bizarre arrangement made their chosen subject. Psychology, quite impossible to study, so they started work on a script for the BBC instead and dropped out to pursue a career in writing. Two-headed script-writers were a rarity in those days and they met with all the prejudice that minority groups have come to expect in this sadly imperfect world. Their first big break came in an area where they could skulk quietly in the shadows, somewhere their unusual countenance would go mostly unseen... radio!

Aso - Spanish Detective, about this incompetent, style conscious detec- tive who wore flares and was sort of Jason King like - we thought that wouldn't really work as a sit-com either. So, we were kind of stuck with this space thing which we thought was quite exciting; and we wanted to get into science fiction anyway. The original intention was just to do one man and his computer alone in space and that was it. Then we thought, that's no! going to get very far past the second show is it? So we started populating it then, with non-humans: basically we wanted him to be the last human be- ing alive. For the other characters it was just a search for non-humans who could inter-play with him, the first idea we had was a hologram, which is a much more common science fiction idea since we did it; it wasn't around at the time, and then the Cat. We resisted actually doing a robot as a regular cast member for 3 series, we thought it had been done in every space thing. Finally we gave in and thought we wanted it to be a bigger based group because we were stuck with Lister being the only person who could actually do anything - Rimmer couldn't touch anything, the Cat couldn't be bothered to touch anything, Holly was incompetent and it was all get-

ting very hard to write, so I think Kryten completed the team.

At this juncture Doug Naylor arriv- ed in the conference room.

DOUG NAYLOR: Hi, how are you

doing?

RDM: Great, we can start the inter- view now! Once you'd got the idea of the sort of programme you wanted to do how did you go about approaching people to put it on air?

RG: I've just been talking about it coming from "Son of Cliche" and how we started with the central idea of Lister and created the other characters around him.

DN: Did you do the car going off the edge of the-.?

RG: No - this is...

DN: That's an important part - if it's going to be long, perhaps we should mention that.

RG: We went away to Wales tor a week...

DN: My dad had a cottage there, we were half way up a mountain; it was like a mile up this mountain and there was this dirt track road that he'd made to gel up there. He'd bought this cottage for, i think, 200 quid and i! didn't have a roof and it had three wails, mum went spare. But over about 12 years he did it up - put in loos and running water - so in the end it was quite nice. Anyway there's a dirt rack road up the side o( the mountain and we went there to do the pilot - we worked really quite hard, from nine in the morning Ml six at night and then we'd go down the pub and chat over what we'd been doing

RG: And what we'd do the next day.

DN: It came to the fourth day and we were going to (inish on the fifth day, which was a Friday: and, driving back, for some insane reason we chased this rabbit off the road and the rabbit went off the edge - off the road.

RG: I don't know what happened... how did it happen?

DN: We swung out and suddenly the car slewed sideways and went over the edge of this cliff. It was pitch black - no streel lights, nothing. So Bob got out, I'm in the car, and he said 'OK, you can't reverse. You're gonna have to go farther down this cliff road then do a U-turn and then come back up again, so I said 'OK' - we went further down the edge of this thing, got stuck on a rock and we were hanging off In the morning we went back, it was so dangerous

RG: It was like a Pepsi advert.

DN: Yes, just like it; so we didn't finish the script on the fifth day because we had to rescue the car.

"We resisted actually

doing a robot as a

regular cast member for

3 series, we thought it

had been done in every

space thing."

RG: We had to hire a tractor. We on- ly really had the Cat's scene to do; we'd written the whole pilot in a week apart from that. So we came back and spent another week dolly- ing it up and writing the Cat's scene about 800 times; and then it was finished We sent it to our agent and gave it to Paul Jackson who we'd been working with on "Three ol a Kind" and "Carrot's Lib." and John Lloyd, who we were working with at the time on "Spitting Image" And they both came back and said they thought it was absolutely fabulous. There was actually talk at one time of those two doing a co-production, an unthinkable thing - I'm sure the universe would end it those two ever worked together on a series.

DN: We thought it would be just a matter of weeks before the thing was made, and it was three years. Basically that was because we were so keen for it to be done on the BBC. because we wanted the extra three or four minutes to tell those kind of stories, and the BBC rejected it. Paul Jackson took it m and they rejected it; he took it back in, I think, three times altogether wasn't it?

RG: Yeah - you were nobody if

you hadn't rejected Red Dwarf at the BBC.

DN: Everybody rejected it and he kept taking in the same script - it wasn't like it was rewritten - he kept taking it in and saying 'have you read it?' and they said 'Yes, we've read it.' 'Are you sure you've read it?' 'Yes we're sure.' So he |ust used to carry it around in his briefcase with him and when he met people at the BBC he tried to sell it to them.

ROM: When it was eventually taken up. how much say did you have in the casting?

RG: We were there at all the casting sessions and all the drawing up of the lists lor the casting sessions and the final decision. It ali seems like a dream to me now but we went in deliberately determined to work with actors.

DN: Real actors...

RG: RSC if possible.

DN: Real, good, proper actors. We all drew up lists of people we wanted to see and there was a mixture of ac- tors, alternative comedians and all sorts.

RG: Trapeze artists.

DN We didn't want any of them, we wanted actors in all the parts. Paul had suggested Danny should come along, someone else had suggested Norman, hadn't they? And he came along and auditioned for the part of...

RG. For Rimmer.

ON: And we thought no, he's not right for Rimmer but we'd really like him for Holly. So that was the first non-actor who was in, that was the first decision, he was the first one in, then Danny was actually next.

RG: Yeah, he was the first guy we saw to play the Cat, he just came

ON: He'd dressed for the part, he came in and was just really funny - everyone just fell about, you could tell he was really pleased. We said we thought he was terrific, just great and he said 'How many people have you seen so far for the Cat?' We said 'Oh you're the firs! one' and his face just dropped. Then it was Craig who came along; he'd been sent the script originally because Paul wanted to ensure it wasn't racist, so he'd been sent the script as... I don't know, a bright black man? A racist adjudicator? And then Paul sudden- ly thought maybe he could be perfect for the Cat - Craig as the Cat!? Then he changed his mind and thought maybe he'd be better for Lister, so he came along and

"You were nobody if you hadn't rejected Red Dwarf at the BBC."

auditioned for Lister. And then Chris - Chris was always going to be... no, actually he did both parts, he did Lister and Rimmer.

RG: We'd worked with Chris on "Son of Cliche" originally, he used to play the voice of the computer in fact. What was that computer call- ed? Was it called Hal?

DN:Hab, not Hal, Hab.

RG: What a great joke, hilarious. Yeah, so by a series of logical deci- sions we wound up with a poet, a

dancer, an impressionist and a stand-up comedian.

DN: We were there all the time.

RG: And we don't know quite how it happened.

ON: We did see some majorly big actors who we can't name, but they were big.

RG: But we thought they're not go- ing to be around for series five and

DN: Or even series two; in fact one of them went off and became very big in Hollywood.

RG: We were thinking at that time that the series would maybe run to three, we didn't really think...

DN: Certainly Paul's whole sort of mentality was - a bit like the "Young Ones", two series and that was it. And also that there wouldn't be any stories - you'd run out stories very quickly.

RDM: Right from the beginning, from the second episode you were mapping out the future, which was only tied up at the end of the second series. Did you have all that planned from the start?

RG: We knew rough directions that's all. and we wanted to make this Kochanski character an icon for Lister to pursue, we knew that much. The two children we planted in Future Echoes, well we thought they'll come in handy. As a matter of interest the first episode we tried to write for the third series was suppos- ed to tie series three and two together, It was called 'Dad' and Lister was pregnant and he was go- ing to have the children.

DN: it was basically how he gave birth to the twins and they had the accelerated growth - the whole thing - but it just seemed...

RG: It seemed vaguely funny, in a homosexual kind of way, where Rimmer was being dad.

DN: We were also sort of taking the piss out of pregnant women, which was not good, so we binned it. We

did the roll up, which was thought of about ten minutes before.

RG' We were going to have the scene actually from where he came out of the medical unit and replayed the future echoes, which would have been deadly dull I'm sure.

RDM What about the introduction of Kryten? Because you did that in much the same way when you brought him back as a regular character - that was fust put in the roll up.

"The fact that the series looked so cheap and the sets were wobbly and it was all grey actually won

us a lot of friends,

because people felt sorry

for it."

RG: That was Doug, he kept saying 'you've got to bring Kryten back, you've got to bring Kryten back.' and I was very resistant.

DN: | was just so sick of . you know, Holly can't touch anything because it's just a head. Rimmer can't touch anything, Cat's character wasn't really interested and you've just got Craig. It was hell to write the episodes and I just thought i wanted someone who could bring in a tray or deal with any physical business, like who drives the vehicle?

RG The problem was finding a new angle, because m (he first Kryten episode it was like C3PO part two really, wasn't it?

DN: That was your big thing; 'we don't want the bloody robot' - but then we thought, oh, David Ross was funny and he'd be really great, we knew he wanted to do it, so... had we written any yet?

RG: Yes we had, because we didn't pick Robert until a couple of weeks before and he had to go to Edinburgh.

DN: Well, we can't have written many.

RG: | think we readjusted the scripts dramatically and we still had the last

OR,

ANT AYLOR

one to write.

DN: I think we probably wrote Robert's part on the run actually. So, anyway we approached David Ross who was in "Flea in Her Ear" and couldn't get out of it, so he couldn't do it. It was Paul again who said he'd seen Robert Llewellyn in a stage show in Edinburgh. He was doing a show called "Mamon". playing a robot completely as him but with robotic movements. He said we should see it, so we did and it was funny. Then we saw Robert - he could pull his face into extraor- dinary positions and he did this in- credibly funny walk, which we ac- tually dropped in the end because it looked like he was a spastic. You can't recapture just how funny that was at the audition it was just one of those moments. We didn't really see anyone else.

RG: No - also he's just the nicest guy in the world, you'll know, you've met him.

RDM: Yeah.

DN: The very first thing that was shot with him was a scene in a sauna, he'd just got measured up for his mask and put it on. he'd got all his suit on for the very fist time and he was wearing long Johns and the lights were on him. The scene required him to light two candles with his fingers, so he was all wired up for a flame to come out of his fingers. Because it was wet in there and he was sweating it was backfir- ing all the time and he was elec- trocuting himself. So it was day one, it was 120° and every time he mov- ed his arm he got an electric shock; he just couldn't believe what he'd let himselt in tor. The scene was cut from the show in the end.

RDM: Did Norman Lovett leaving at the same time cause you a problem?

RG: A massive problem, because it all happened so close to the line.

DN: A fortnight before.

RG: Norman had a heart attack a few years earlier and was generally in the right frame of mind for taking life a little easier; he'd just go mar- ried and moved up to Edinburgh. At that time we used to rehearse in Ac- ton during the week and then go up to Manchester for the two days we'd be recording the show and Norman didn't want to come down to the Acton rehearsals, he just wanted to come to Manchester. He thought it was stupid going from Edinburgh to London; you could see his point really, it kind of made it impossible.

DN: I was in Leicester Square, see- ing some people about the logo. I'd just come out of DeWinters. which is where the people who designed the logo worked and I just walked into Hattie - who we'd worked with on Parallel Universe - and she said 'if there's any work going bear me in mind'. One of those strange coincidences.

RG: We felt it was just too late to massively re-invent Holly and get a new character - which is what it re- quired really.

DN: Especially with Robert coming in as another new character.

RG: So we got Hattie because we thought stylistically she is the same as Norman.

DN: She's very funny as well.

RG: We thought it would be less of a wrench.

RDM: At the same time you seemed to change the entire look of the

series.

RG: That was the first series we produced.

DN: That was why basically

RG: We actually got our hands on it.

DN: | was thinking about this this morning; the fact that the series looked so cheap and the sets were wobbly and it was all grey actually won us a lot of friends, because peo- ple felt sorry for it and I think if we'd gone into it as high-tech and glossy,

ultimately as series three was, we might have gone down the toilet right there and then, because peo- ple would have said 'oh they've got loads ot money.' Whereas the budget has remained... we've got less now than we had for series one. We've had gradually less and less all the way down the line, but no-one believes that because it looks so much more expensive, but that's because we're doing it much better

- I mean in terms of production values, the things we're looking at. We were always concerned... we us- ed to run around saying the set has got to look real, people have got to believe it, we don't want just any science fiction set where it looks like it's going to fall down.

RQ: Nothing with the Kellogg's rooster on it.

DN: Yeah, no bacofoil costumes and all that; and then there it was, too late to change.

RDM: You seemed to change the emphasis too, from the continuity based stories of the first two seasons, to exploring other science fiction concepts.

RG: That was a deliberate thing, I do like to do the occasional one where you're referring back to the series - it's fun to keep that continuity going

- but in the end it's kind of Aunt Sally stuff, you're setting up your Aunt Sally and knocking it down.

DN: There's also this huge science fiction convention where you should be consistent from day one all the way through and people go ab- solutely wild if you're not. I find it very, very funny to be quite as incon- sistent as we've been from beginning.

RG: We do actually pay lip service to the continuity, we do try and if we make a change we sit down and weigh up whether it's for the better of the show and if it makes the show better we'll go for it.

DN: Sometimes it affects continuity and you've just got to bite the bullet.

RDM: As with the Lister/Kochanski relationship, which now seems to have happened but originally it hadn '(.

RG: We felt that it was less mature, it was kind of school yard mentality that he wanted to go out with this woman and daren't ask her out.

DN: And ultimately it is pretty boring bringing her back every show and they have a kind of love affair and

"When we went to

America there were

about fifteen people

doing our job."

then get separated somehow. It works better in the novels, but even then in the novels she's used as an icon rather than being in them much.

RG: She hasn't got a character,

RDM: Moving on to the novels, were you approached or did you go to the publishers?

DN: Actually they were talking about a novel while we were rehearsing the first series. I remember at the time Paul had shown some Americans the script and they were really excited about it and there was

GRANT NAYLOR

"UNIMIND"

Working feverishly, Rob Grant and Doug Naylor produced endless radio scripts for performers such as Roy Hudd, the Grumbleweeds and even Ken Dodd, before fusing into the single entity, Rob Doug. Realising that this didn't sound quite right, they quickly changed their name to Grant Naylor and wrote their own show for Radio 4 - 'Son of Cliche'. A break into TV followed with 'Carrott's Lib' and in 1984 they started working with puppets. Sooty and Basil Brush weren't looking for any new script- writers at the time, but a brand-new programme by the name of 'Spitting Image' had just reached pilot stage. The project, however, was in some trouble and two very talented script- editors were desperately required by 'Spit" to sort things out. They settled for the incredible unimind of Grant Naylor, who saved the show, turned it into a legend, and the rest of course is history...

talk of books almost immediately.

RG: BBC Books were going to do it, but we wanted actually not to do a novelisation of the script but to make it a proper novel - we didn't feel that going under a BBC cover would be very clear to anyone.

ON: We just thought it would be like the "Porridge" books were.

RG: We went to Penguin.

DN: We held out for quite a long time though, we deliberately didn't do it until the end of series two. We went to lunch with a guy called Tim Binding who works for Penguin.

RG: We lied to him about how suc- cessful the series was.

DN: Oh yeah, it's a major cult and you can't move without people talk- ing about it, it's watched all over the world'. I thing he believed about a tenth of it, but took the gamble anyway.

RG: He was great

DN: A terrific bloke.

RDM: Are you planning to continue the books?

RG: We're contractually obliged to do one more Red Dwarf, but our next book will be a non Red Dwarf book.

RDM: Can you tell us anything about the third Red Dwarf novel?

RG: No, we haven't started it.

RDM: So when are you likely to start on it?

DN: I don't know actually, we haven't had any time to work out what we're going to do and when.

RDM: It's not imminent then?

RG: We haven't actually slept since the last time we saw you... no - I doubt it it'll be this year in fact, pro- bably next year, you know how things are going.

RDM: The continuity in the novels is very much linked together, are the things you've changed in the books

things you wished you'd done with the TV series?

RG: Yes. DN: Yes.

RDM: Do you then consider the novels to be the definitive version?

RG: Yeah, that's the sort of proper epic.

DN; However, there are always bits

Ihat you can't really reproduce in a book.

RDM: Can you envisage continuing the saga in novel form once the TV series ends ?

RG; Yes, I'm sure and hopefully one day - and I expect it will be sooner rather than later - we'll go back and make a film from the novels, providing someone is stupid enough to come up with the money

DN: We don't come cheap.

RDM: How long do you think the series is likely to go on? Do you still have plenty of ideas?

RG; We know that a sixth one has

been ordered for this year, but we've got a few commitments.

DN; It takes about nine to ten months out of our year and means we can't do anything else.

RG; That's if we're totally hands on, this year, as you know, we even wound up directing some of the shows, as well as producing and writing. When we went to America there were about fifteen people do- ing our job,

DN: That's right, literally fifteen peo- ple. And the other thing is, I think we'll find Chris will get very suc- cessful with Brittas and will probably want to do Bnttas over Red Dwarf - because he's the star of the show. And Robert - if Red Dwarf takes oft in LA he won't be able to do both or if any of his other projects take off then we might have a serious cast unavailability problem.

RG; We might have to move into a universe next series.

DN; So it's hard to say, but I think the stories are still there.

RG; Oh God, yeah.

DN; It could run and run.

RDM: What sort of programmes are you working on?

RG: Science fiction comedies still.

DN: An anthology series, sort of like a comedy "Twilight Zone", for Cartton.

RG: We're also supposed to be do- ing this other thing called "Me. Me. Me. Me, Me," based on the principle that... oh it's too long to explain.

DN: Based on the principle that everyone's cells change every seven years.

RG: So every seven years you're a completely different person.

DN: In theory - so this is about a guy who meets all his other selves aged 14, 21 . 28, 35 and 43 and it's about how basically they don't really have very much in common and sort of unusual combinations like the

fourteen year old gets on much bet- ter with the...

RG: Twenty eight year old because he's in his second childhood and the twenty one year old's having an af- fair with the thirty five year old's wife.

RDM; Has that been taken up by anyone yet?

RG & DN; Yes.

RDM: How tar into production is it?

DN: Oh, it's not. We've got to write the script.

RDM: Will you be continuing to write all of your own programmes or tak- ing a bit of a back seat?

DN; No, in the "OO-EE-00 Dimen- sion" - we're not doing all the writing on that.

RG: A long term idea is that hopeful- ly new people will come into writing for television from areas of science fiction, from comics.

DN; We're very interested in graphic novels, adult comios, the whole thing; there's a whole pool of great talent out there that's completely by- passed by TV.

RG: What is happening generally speaking is they're being whisked straight to Hollywood.

DN: You're talking about the best.

RG: But even so it's ludicrous that Grant and Wagner haven't been do- ing television over here, for in- stance, in the last ten years.

DN: There hasn't been any of that kind of thing.

RG: No there hasn't... they're doing the Bogie Man aren't they?

RDM: Is there any truth in the

rumour about the Red Dwarf cartoon?

RG: Oh, that - Charles (Armitage) has mentioned it a few times, but he also mentions inter-active video games and a Red Dwarf car, so it could be real and it could be not. A

HOLLY - GRAMS

CO

Hi Hoi,

What a wonderful leiler page you

have! One small complain! - only

one letter in the May edition

reflected how truly wonderful

Kryten is1 What a star, where would

the rest of the crew be without his

superior knowledge (second only to

yours, grovel, grovel) and his sheer

dedication to the Space Corps

Directives? What man on earth

comes with a highly usetul groin

attachment?

KRYTEN'S NUMBER ONE FAN,

Leeds.

Dear Smeg Heads,

I Ihink your smegazine is smeggin

brilliant. But your smeggin T-shirts

are only available in large and

smeggin Xlra large Don't you

smeggin Ihink that little smeg

heads read your smeggin

smegazine?

James "smeg head" Higson.

Radcliffe.

Hmm. it looks like we'd better ask smeggin BMS to make some smeg- gin smaller shirts, and to be smeg- gin quick about it.

Dear RDM,

I would like to tell that sad. boredom-seeking "anonymous" Red Dwarf fan (HOLLY-GRAMS, issue 3) lhat if you think Holly's Fun Page and Holly Ama;ing Facts are so crap, why do you bother reading it? If you want something more "grown-up", why don'! you buy the Observer instead? I would also like to point oui thai a leather duster is not a fashion item (CAT'S FASHION TIPS, issue 3). Sarah Wadsley. Birmingham

Try telling that to Kryten. Sarah.

Yo. Boys trom the Dwarf! Me and my younger brother are both keen Red Dwarf fans and have always wondered whal the scrolling lex! was at Ihe beginning of "Backwards". You know the one, it scrolls so damn fast you can*! read Ihe smegger! Anyway, alter getting Ihe use ot some nifty video equip- ment with Ireeze-frame facilities my brother was able lo wrile n out and I though! my fellow fans would like to know exactly whal happened to Ihe crew between series II and III... Three million years in the future, Dave Lister, the last human being alive, discovers he is pregnant after

a liaison with his female self in a parallel universe. His pregnancy concludes with the successful delivery of twin boys. Jim and Bex- lev However, because the twins were conceived in another universe, with different physical laws, they suffer from highly ac- celerated growth rales and are both eighteen years old within three days of being born. In order to save their lives, Lister returns them to the universe of their origin, where they are reunited with their father la woman), and are able to lead com- paratively normal lives. Well, as normal as you can be if you 've been born in a parallel universe and your fathers a woman and your mother's a man and you're eigh- teen years old three days after your birth.

Shortly afterwards. Kryten, the ser- vice mechanoid who had left the ship after being rescued from his own crashed vessel, the Nova 5. is found in pieces after his space-bike crash-lands on an asteroid. Lister rebuilds the 'noid. but is unable to recapture his former personality. Meanwhile. Holly the increasingly erratic Red Dwarf computer, per- forms a head sex-change operation on himself He bases his new face on Hilly, a female computer with whom he'd once fallen madly in tove.

AND NOW THE SAGA CONTINUUMS... RED DWARF III - THE SAME GENERATION - NEARLY. David (and Mark) Bower. Derwent College, University of York.

than sleeping on my 'Infinity Welcomes Carelul Drivers' T-shirt and has turned it into a hair shirt rather than the esseniia! ilem ot my wardrobe it once was. Posy even goes so far as jumping on top of Ihe TV and attempting to eal Lister's curry whenever it appears on screen. They would like to know if-

a) they are the only feline tans of Ihe show;

b) there is an animal branch of the Fan Club.

Alice Drydon, Wimborne P.S. - Please reply, as my copy ot Red Dwarf Magazine issue 1 has gone missing and I have reason to believe the cats are holding it hostage in their litter Iray until they get an answer. Help1

Sounds like you could use a Skutter to retrieve it, Alice, but seemg that you're not likely to get one, we'd better answer your questions ...

a) As Red Dwarf is one ot very tew shows on TV today that feature a cat in a leading role, we think that there must be hordes of cats all over the country who watch it avidly Not many have written in to the magazine just yet.

b) Although there is no special animal section in the Red Dwarf fan club, it's our guess that there are probably quite a few animals in there already, so Rufus and Posy are bound to find they <>t m welt.

Dear Red Dwarf Magazine, I am wnling on behalf ot my two psychopathic cats, Rufus and Posy, who are both avid Red Dwarf- lovers Rutus likes nothing better

Dear Holly

Whoever wrote in and said HOL- LY'S FUN PAGE and AMAZING FACTS were crap is an ungrateful smelly poisonous pimple on the backside of a crippled sheep. Yvonne McGruder's peep-hole bra.

piling up in favour of I p*g*t, just fix an fO ot 6000

-. t yuettaa now populai (A . ■■ -terns

of dead crew me underwear, though Bit fifli

Greetings,

Interesting interpretation of a TV Programme in a papery sort of way. I see mysell as a numanoid of the Sean Hughes (an persuasion, often partaking in ihe consumption ot various televisual comedy program- mes and startling the occasional bunny. Thus it is my duty as a

SO

■I

reader ot RDM to state that it is the best thing to come along since "Toxicl" which sadly died recently, and you can whip me senseless with a polymorph if it isn't otherwise!

Furthermore. I would just like to say pttkjelrtty, but unfortunately I can't. Simon "Simon" Scott. Martow.

GASPf What do you think you're do- ing, Simon? (Or can we call you Simon?) You can't use the T word around here. This is Fleetway, tor smeg's sake. The T word is well and truly banned! Stick to pttkjelrtly.

To all the Boys from the Dwarf, HOWDLY-DOODLY-DOO! I am writing on behalf of the Shef- field branch of the Talkie-Toaster Fan Club. I believe that you have treated our beloved hero quite despicably aboard your mining vessel. Nol many people are lucky enough to have a morning compa- nion who also makes you breakfast (without any arguments what- soever, might I add) you know, 'hile I am writing this letter I would

like to make a plea to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor to write Talkie- Toaster into more of your episodes, life is lonely without him. AdrtanS., Sheffield. P.S. - Would anyone like some toast?

Nolll

Dear Smeg-pots,

I think the magazine could have a couple of improvements made to it: 1 . Lister should have another recipe page. I would like to know how to make hot lager with croutons. 2. 1 would like a full page on the life story of Arnold Judas Rimmer, With great detail given to the incident in- volving AJR, a pot of compost and Fiona Barhngton. Andrew Bmns, Halifax.

HOLLY-GRAMS

Red Dwarf Smegazine

Fleetway Editions Limited

3rd Floor

Greater London House

Hampstead Road

London NWt 7QQ

Smttj H##f> I Dear Holty,

tn Red Dwarf II, In the episode "Bet- ter Than Life", Rimmer receives a letter saying that his father has died, in this episode Lister says. "I remember when my dad died, I was only six'" In Red Dwarf 111, in the episode "The Last Day", Lister says that he was abandoned in a pub when he was just a baby. Is it just that in "The Last Day" Lister was completely pissed, or is it a stupid mistake? Please enlighten me. Toby Visram, lllford.

A particularly dull Sunday afternoon on the spaceship Red Dwarf, as held in audio files in Holly's memory banks and transcribed by Steve Noble.

HOLLY: Well, sit down then.

RIMMER: To what, may we ask, do we owe this get- together? The Queen's Birthday Bash? A shindig for Palm Sunday? An Ascension Day's rave-up?

HOLLY: As a matter of fact, Arn, I'm just following Space Corps regulations I have to get

wailing lor me lo lose weight!

KRYTEN: Cat, Mr. Rimmer, sir, let's pay attention. This might be enlightening!

RIMMER: Always the optimist, eh Kryten? Last thing that was enlightening round here was when you hosed down the fission generator with a Squeezee bottle.

LISTER: Guys, guys, chill

the flower of Christmas, surrounded in berries and reeking of good cheer.

CAT: Holly Holly-days That reminds me ol me!

LISTER: Why does it remind you of you?

CAT: Cause livin' in this body is a permanent, three hundred and sixty live day a year holiday! Yowl

RIMMER: Holly. Holly Hollowhead. Hollow-brained.

The Name Game

everyone together for some official R&R according to the latest batch of psychological profiles,

LISTER: In other words, Hoi, you've brought us together so that we don't all go completely and utterly bonkers.

HOLLY: Spot on.

CAT: Lei me gel this correct. You put me and goalpost-head In the same room for the sake of our sanity? That's like putting me and a fishy or two in the same bowl and

out. What's the game. Hoi? Hollow-headed...

Hoi: Here we go. We name a word and everyone has to guess the derivation of it, or just say what it reminds them of I thought we'd start with our names, first.

KRYTEN: Like, Holly, for instance?

HOLLY: That's right. What does it make you think

KRYTEN: Why, it reminds me of happy times. Holty...

LISTER: All right, all right. Rimmer. This is supposed to be a positive exercise. D'you know what it reminds me of? The band, the Hollies.

RIMMER: More than one? God forbid. . .

LISTER: They were greatf They were me Dad's favourite band. What were those songs they sang?

RIMMER: Let me guess... The Air That I Don't Breath? He Ain't Heavy ~ he's a

kraitan

smegging Hologram?

HOLLY: Let's try someone else. Kryten?

LISTER; Ahh - I know this one. After that old movie, the 'Admirable Crichton'. He was the ideal manservant.

KRYTEN: Why, thank you, Mr Lister.

RIMMER: Kryten. Cretin -made-of -tin.

HOLLY: What about you, CaP

CAT: Kryten. That reminds me of

LISTER: Why?

CAT: 'Cause trial's what I always oo when I'm markin' myselt on a score of one to ten!

LISTER: Say what?

CAT: I cry ten I

LISTER: So what about your name. Cat?

KRYTEN: Cat! From the Spanish, El Gato. Meaning...

RIMMER: Meaning he reminds you of fat Spanish goits with too much Black Forest trifle in their disgusting bloated stomachs.

LISTER: Oh. productive contribution, Rimmer...

CAT; Call That reminds me of me!

LISTER: Only the two of us left, then, Rimmer. Me first. Lister...

KRYTEN: Reminiscent of the great composer, sir, Franz Josef Liszt.

LISTER: Yeah. Yeah, I like that. I always thought it was kind of a cool name, y'know, kind of analytical. He who makes lists.

RIMMER: Or, of course, Lister - he who lists a lot. Listing from side to side, wandering down the high street, wearing a gorgeous bouquet of day-old lager and chicken korma... Listy listing Lister.

KRYTEN: So, there's only Mr. Rimmer left.

RIMMER; I've always been proud of the name Rimmer. It means something, you know, something majestic. Rimmer - explorer of the Galactic Rim. Rimmer - corruption of Rhymer, or singer, songmaker. Bringer of pleasure to the masses.

LISTER: Also known as Under The Rimmer, the famous toilet-cleaner.

RIMMER: Oh, another slice of adult wit, eh ? Our potty leaving marks on our both/ is it? A bit petulant are we? I'm not surprised. We can't all have heroic, all-conquering surnames. We can't all...

KRYTEN: Why, sir! I've just discovered the actual derivation of the word Rimmer. It seems that your ancestors realty were bringers of pleasure! It seems that Rimmer - one who rims - refers to an ancient and rather deviant sexual practice amongst humans in which...

(Holly's audio banks appear to have been edited at this juncture.)

LISTER: I knew it. I knew it! He couldn't take it. Serves him right. Hoi, you'll have to do better next time. This is supposed to bring us together - y'know, the Boys from the Dwarf - not send Rimmer off with the screamin' ab-dabs.

CAT: Those are his ab-dabs?

HOLLY: P'raps you're right. How about something a little easier? Whist? Gin Rummy? Stud Poker?

CAT: Stud Poker'' That reminds

me of me! (Tape End )

kaet

DWARF

^EPISODE GUIDE

Hell, it had to happen. We've come to our fifth and final episode guide. \t last

you ran recall those heady days of just over 4 months ago. when Series V was on

air and all was right with the universe.

■VII we can say now is. come on Grant !\aylor Productions - get another series

made, so we can run a guide to Series VI!

Written by Rob Grant		Produced by Hilary
and Doug Naylor.		Bevan Jones.
Designed by Mel Bibby and Stephen Bradshaw. Visual Effects by Peter Wragg.	SERIES V	Executive producers: Grant Naylor Directed by Juliet May and Grant Naylor.
Music by Howard		A Grant Naylor Produc-
Goodall.		tion for BBC North.

1. HOLOSHIP - First broadcast on 20 February 1992.

"Twice a day. that's more than some people manage in a lifetime... I mean sad, lonely people."

CAST NOTES: Jane Horrocks appears as Rimmer's Hotogramalic lover. Nir- vanah Crane: Matthew Marsh, Don War- rington, Simon Day and Jane Mon- tgomery were some of the Enlighten- ment crew and Lucy Briers was Harrison

When Starbug encounters Enlighten- ment, a ship crewed by the holograms of space corps' elite personnel, Rimmer knows thai the Holoship is where he belongs; true, ship's regulations will re- quire him to indulge in sexual congress at least twice a day but he's quite prepared to make the sacrifice - especially with the beautiful Nirvanah Crane One obstacle stands in Rim- mer's way, namely an intelligence con- test; unfortunately, Enlightenment has a full complement of crew members so should Rimmer succeed it will be at the expense of a fellow hologram's ex- istence. Now Rimmer might not be ex- cessively bright but he is shrewd and furthermore he's got a perfect plan - he'll cheat, and despite his intelligence expanding, mind-patching operation go- ing a bit awry, Rimmer is duly assigned to the Holoship. Bidding a not too (earful farewell to his acquaintances on Red Dwarf - who have already begun audi-

tions for a replacement hologram - Rimmer prepares to take up his post when he discovers that his new found love, Nirvanah Crane has sacrificed herself for him. Rimmer has two choices: fulfil his dreams and remain aboard the Enlightenment or follow the example set by the mushy romantic films he so despises and give up everything for love. No-one is more sur- prised by his final decision than Rimmer himself.

2. THE INQUISITOR- First broadcast on 27 February 1992 "All in all, today's been a bit of a bum- mer hasn't it sir?"

CAST NOTES: The Inquisitor was played by John Docherty. his first victim Thomas Altman was played by James Cormack and Jake Abraham appeared as another version of Dave Lister.

The crew of the Red Dwarf are worried, the Inquisitor has arrived to assess their worthiness to live and should they fail to justify their existences to him they'll be wiped from history itself. Rimmer is an- noyed. If someone had told him that he should have led a worthwhile life he'd have given his own credit card number when pledging money to Telethons. The Cat however is in no doubt about his own value, after all his beautiful ass has given so much pleasure to the world. Unfortunately Lister and Kryten don't

(are as well as their crewmates, at least they did have the potential to make something of themselves, but both fail- ed miserably The Inquisitor decides they'll have to go. but thanks to the assistance of Kryten's future self. Lister and the mechanoid manage to escape before their physical forms have been deleted. The Inquisitor isn't very pleas- ed, not surprising really since he's just gone to the trouble of altering the timelines ano creating replacements for them. Now the two fugitives not only have a very irritated simulant to contend with but they ail get a hostile reception from their old shipmales who no longer recognise them Their only hope lies in the puzzling last word spoken by the Kryten from the fulure - "Enig".

3. TERRORFORM - First broadcast on

5 March 1992.

"If you absolutely insist on using erotic

persuasion to achieve your devious

ends then so be it, just have a large

quatro formaggion pizza ready at the

end."

CAST NOTES: Sara Stockbndge and Franclne Walker-Lee played the scantily dressed hand-maidens and Chris Barrie got lo portray various aspects of Rim- mer's personality

Moon-hopping is one of Rimmer's favourite pastimes; at least it was until he hopped onto a Psy-moon - an ar-

titiciai planetoid aole to reconfigure its landscape according to an individual's psyche A world derived from Arnold Rimmer's subconscious is probably not a good place to spend a holiday, but things start oil OK lor Rimmer when a couple ol barely clothed handmaidens give his naked chest an oiling. Unfor- tunately, that's where his luck ends. The oiling is merely to make his body more conductive to the electric shock torture about to be administered by the Dark One. the ruler of the moon, who it seems is none other than a manifestalion of Rimmer's own self-loathing. His ship- mates attempts at rescue prove futile, the Dark One is apparently invulnerable to bazookoid fire and his hooded legions - themselves the personifications ot Rimmer's negative emotions - are many However there is one way to defeat the creature and escape, all Lister, Kryten and the Cat have to do is boost Rimmer's self confidence by per- suading him that they really do like him and think he's one hell of a guy; but this might prove difficult because, after all. it simply isn't true.

4. QUARANTINE - First broadcast on 12 March 1992. Mr Flibble is very angry."

CAST NOTES: Maggie Steed played Di Hidegrade Lanstrom and Mr Flioble ap pea red as him sell

A visit to a Viral Research establishment and an encounter with a deranged yet powerful hologramatic doctor prompts Rimmer to confine his crewmates to Quarantine. In all fairness to Rimmer he does follow the regulations set out in the Space Corps Directives manual when dealing with the others. As specified, he provides reading matter - in the form of a Knitting magazine; entertainment, namely the video "Wallpapering. Pain- ting and Stippling - a DIY guide' and a varied menu consisting of a wide variety of meals comprising entirely of sprouts. However, it turns out that Rimmer is the one that has been contaminated - with a holo-virus - and as a result he dons a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots, teams up with a glove puppet named Mr Flibble and sentences his naughty shipmates to two hours

W.0.0 (WithOut Oxygen). Things look pretty bad. but by using an injection of a good luck virus taken from the Viral Research Department, Lister is able to get himself and his friends out ot Quarantine, but will his luck hold out against the destructive psi-powers possessed by the now completely in- sane Rimmer?

S. DEMONS AND ANGELS - First broadcast on 19 March 1992. "Rude alert, rude alert, an electrical tire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle; many wurlitzers are missing from my data base. Abandon shop, this is not a daffodil, repeat this is not a daf- fodil "

Jim
j> ."-'•'' 4
■ 'AS* "	• •• • •» • *V

"rTrfiM i

CAST NOTES: No guest artists Out the regulars ail played High' and Low' ver- sions ol their characters

Kryten and Lister's tinkering with the old matter paddle creates a triplicator. The device seems to work fine on fruit and produces the ultimate strawberry, but it also produces one that isn't so tasty - unless of course you have a predilection for maggots. When the gizmo is revers- ed the crew of the fled Dwarf are lucky to escape with their lives before the min- ing ship explodes. Fortunately two new Red Dwarfs are created in the accident and consequently so are two new Iriplicators; theoretically the reversal can be reversed, using parts trom both. The aesthetic, culture-loving crew of the 'High' Red Dwarf are only too eager to provide some well intenttoned help (and their Pot Noodles are edible) The 'Low' version's deranged, psychopathic crew on the other hand aren't so helpful, in fact whal they'd really like to do is murder their perfect counterparts and steal their vessel. Using the original Lister as a remote controlled killing machine turns out to be quite a suc- cessful method of achieving their ambi- tions, but the "Boys from the Dwarf" don't die so easily, or do they?

6. BACK TO REALITY - First broad- cast on 26 March 1992.

"Have you quite finished being strange?"

CAST NOTES: Lenny Van Oohlen was the cop, Leisure World statl included Timotny Spall as Andy and Marie McCarthy as the Nurse. Jake Shanan and Anastasia Hille appeared bnelly as (he new LiSW and Kochanskt

The crew ol the SSS Esperanto have committed suicide; a similar fate has befallen all the marine creatures on the planet - except one. Attempting to evade the gigantic squid, Starbug crashes and explodes. Instead ot finding tnemselves in little pieces, its occupants wake to discover that for lour years they have been playing 'Red Dwarf - The Total Immersion Video Game'. Their new personas are somewhat different; Lister is Sebastian Doyle, a high ranking official in a Fascist run state; Rimmer is Billy Doyle, Sebastian's brother and a complete failure and Cat is the buck- toothed, hopelessly unfashionable Duane Dibley. Compared to what they had been on Red Dwarf, their new lound lives are anathema. Only Kryten is pleased with the 'real' him - Jake Bullet, a partly human cop in the Cybernetics Division (traffic control). But when he is forced to take a human lite in order lo save a young girl, the mechanoid too begins to despair. Only Holly is aware of whal is real and what is fantasy, and it'll take some hasty Italian cooking to deal with the hallucination- inducing despair squid and prevent the others from carrying out their suicide pact. .%

The first...

and greatest of them all!

Action every two months from

r i f f ruifll eoiTicns

- The home of heroes!

CAPTION COMPETITION 2 RESULTS

THATS GOT

THE LIME BASTARD

ITS 10,000 VOLTS STRAIGHT

TO THE BROWNING KNOB NEXT

TINE HE UTTERS THE

WORD WAST!

Covered in glory this time is Ian Edwards who supplied a pretty violent, but decidedly appropriate caption. Well done, Ian, your baseball cap is on its way... wear it with pride!

Once again, we were inundated with entries, ranging from the bad to the truly terrible. Oh. and there were a tew funny ones, too. and some ol the best runners-up definitely deserve a men- tion. Nicholas Walker (yes. him again) came up with Kryten saying: "When I suggested that we toast Mr Rimmer at his deathday party, I didn't expect you !o ram his light bee into the Talkie- Toaster." Probably the punniest sug- gestion came from Nina Lynch, she also has Kryten speaking: "Singing 'Riding Along on the Crust of a Wave' is not at all helpful, sir." And the weirdest one has to be from Leila At- chinson. who has Lister saying: "Oh wow! What was on that toast, and where did that elephant come from?" Perhaps inspired by 'The Mary Whitehouse Experience*. P.J. Horrel also has the curry-stained one talking and telling Kryten: "You see thai Toaster, that's your girlfriend that is." Mick Jones has the Toaster speaking in Rimmer's voice: "Under Space Corps Directive 721 . it is an offence to chloroform a superior officer and swap his mind with any form of kitchen hard- ware - toasting or otherwise." And finally. Sue Graham picked up on a dif- ferent tack, having Kryten say: "I know you are still suffering hallucinations from the space fever, sir, but you are not a teapot and cannot do that to the Toaster " Of course, there were plenty of unprintable entries again, most of which were concerned largely with Kryten's groinal socket. It's anything for a cheap laugh with you lot. isn't it?

T±

*

Okay, it's time to try again. Here are Rimmer and Ihe Cat in less lhan familiar garb. Get your ideas onto paper and send them to us at:

RED DWARF CAPTION COMP 3 FLEETWAY EDITIONS LTD 3RD FLOOR

GREATER LONDON HOUSE HAMPSTEAD ROAD LONDON NW1 7QO

Make your entry funny and you might even win a fabulous Red Dwarf baseball cap. Look out for the results in issue 9, you've got about a month to get your entry in to stand any chance of winning!

Baseball caps and lots of other Red Dwarf goodies are available from:

(BMS) MAIL ORDER LIMITED P.O. Box 10 London SW19 3TW (VISA/ACCESS HOTLINE: TELEPHONE 081 543 4105)

MAXX CARDS COME IN PACKS OF FIVE AT 25P RRP PER PACK.